Finally: The Answer to: Do I look fat?

"Do I look fat?" she asks in that tone. You know you are in dangerous territory.

Step 1.
Turn down the TV, music, or glance up from your newspaper--but don't turn your attention to her completely. She obviously needs your attention, but ninty percent of the time, this is poor but forgivable behavior (on the same level as you yelling at her because your boss yelled at you) and you don't want to encourage it.

Step 2.
Say, "Are you alright, honey/pumpkin/boopsie? You sound unhappy."

Response A. Now, you will probably get some kind of rant or whine about that she doesn't look like Britney Spears anymore, or whatever. But you successfully deflected. Now just blanket reassure.

Response B.
"I don't know what you're talking about! How do I look?"

Step 3.
Don't lie. Here is your vocab. to answer this question:
Beautiful/Gorgeous or
Great/Pretty or
Good or
Fine.

Where is bad, you ask? Frumpy? Satanic? Creepy? Wide as a VW Beetle?
Fine. Fine means bad, or worse. There is nothing worse than fine. Now, sometimes "Fine" doesn't matter: if she's just walking the dog, who cares? There's no paparazzi. But when fine matters, use "fine, but..." as in, "Fine, but that green ball gown really shows off your figure when you walk the dog." Like that. "Fine, but you look so good in black."

Now that you've conquered that question, try your hand at: "What do you think about threesomes?"